Bleach 42
by Gray Druid
Summary: My first fic ever. Join the adventures of Ichigo, his bear, and many others as they attempt to find something to do! Chapter 5 is up! Note: I've fixed the glitch that made the first line show up twice. At least, I hope I have.
1. Chapter 1: Prologue

Right-o, this here is my very first fanfiction, and as such I can blame any faults my story has on inexperience. W00t! So, now that we have established my blame free existence, please r&r. And if you have to flame, please try to include at least one word that I've never seen before. It has to be a real word.

"America" – Speech

_America_ – Thoughts

**America** – Telepathic Speech

_**America**_ – God Speech

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, Megatokyo, Naruto, Ranma or any other anime I happen to include but am to lazy to come back and list. Maybe in later chapters.

Now, the BEGINNING!!

Smack. _Ouch._ Smack. _Ouch.'_ Smack. _Ouch._ Smack.

"Goaway!" mumbled Ichigo "I'm sleepin"

Smack.

Growling, Ichigo jumped out of bed "Okay! That's IT Ka-" suddenly he cut off mid-yell. Ichigo blinked. Instead of his little sister, he saw something… littler.

"Um, why is their a miniature angel in my room?"

The "miniature angel" snorted. "My name is Seraphim, and I'm your conscience. Also, it's 'there' not 'their'"

Ichigo blinked again. "What?"

"Ugh, why are all my clients idiots? Your grammar was wrong. You said 'their' as in 'that is their horse', you should have used 'there', as in 'why is there a beautiful lady in my drab and uninspiring presence at 2:30 a.m.'"

Ichigo groaned "This is either a terrible dream or a cruel joke. I'm going to assume it's a dream because there is a moonwalking bear behind you."

Seraphim sighed and motioned to the bear "Unfortunately this isn't a dream. This is… um… okay, I don't know who he is, but he's going to be helping me out on this case."

Ichigo shifted away from the bear "Um, okay, let's just say you really are my conscience. Why is your assistant a moonwalking bear whose name you don't even know?"

"Because I didn't want to deal with this case myself and he was the first person… thing that I saw. So come on, get up, we've got a lot to do so I can get back to my beauty sleep."

Ichigo looked at her dubiously, then sat back down on his bed "Definitely a bad dream then. G'night." He started to close his eyes again.

"What is it with you people! Fine!" And with that she threw open her robe (did I mention she was wearing a robe? It's a really nice one, crimsom with black lotus prints. It also has a pair of golden dragons embroidered on the front, but they're small, not too ostentatious. As you can tell, I'm kind of drawing attention away from the current events to keep you from having hentai thoughts. Aren't I nice?)

Ichigo's nose exploded in a fountain of blood that knocked him of his bed.

Seraphim smiled "So, ready to come with me now?"

"S-Sure" Ichigo stammered.

"Good, first stop: America!"

--

So, that the first chapter of my first ever fanfic. I hope you liked it! And yeah, I know it was pretty (okay, really) short, but it's late and I'm tired. I'm gonna work some on the next chapter if I can though, so check back soon, trust me, it will pick up soon. And the next chapter will be MUCH longer, so please R&R! Thx.


	2. Chapter 2: The Trip

Well, here's the next chapter, sorry for taking so long. It's another short one (so, I kind of lied, sorry!), but I'm already working on the next one, so I might get it up later today, or tomorrow at the latest. Anyway, enjoy the next chapter of _**BLEACH 42**_

--

By the time Ichigo snapped out of his stupor, they were already flying over the ocean. Now, obviously this wasn't normally something that would reduce him to frozen terror, but their means of travel had something to do with that.

"WHY ARE WE IN A CARDBOARD BOX??"

Seraphim gave a derisive snort from her vantage point on top of his head. "What? Did you think they give me a private jet to work with? And besides, with airfares up, this is the cheapest way to travel."

Ichigo thought about this for a second, then worked himself up to look over the edge of the box at the water rushing below them. Then he noticed a school of dolphins. He blinked. Suddenly they shrank to grey specks behind them. Hey yelled and threw himself down in the box.

Seraphim sighed "God, do you have to do that? What's wrong with you this time?"

"How fast are we going?" Ichigo mumbled through his teeth.

Seraphim bit her lip and tried to calaculate it out in her head, then quickly shook her head and gave up "Oh, I don't know, really fast? At least 700 miles per hour. I don't feel like converting that to kilometers per hour, so do it yourself if you really want to know."

Ichigo shuddered and huddled tighter into himself "How the HELL are we going this fast in a cardboard box? For that matter, how are we flying?"

"Listen, I don't really know. I think some kid in America invented it. You can ask him when we get there. Now shut up."

Ichigo wrinkled his brow for a moment, then looked up with an expression of dawning horror "You mean we're actually going to America? Why the hell would we go there?"

"Didn't I tell you to shut up? Anyway, it's because I need to pick up some things before we start. Oh, and that reminds me: You're not a Soul Reaper anymore."

Ichigo jerked upright and mouthed in utter shock, unable to speak.

Seraphim bent over and looked him in the face "Oi, what's up? You look like a drowned fish."

"B-But, you can't just make me NOT a Soul Reaper. I mean, I still have my powers an-"

"No you don't!" Seraphim cut him off with a cheerful grin.

"I- what?"

"Yeah, I figured all this Soul Reaper business would get in the way, so I had the agency cancel your job and revoke your powers."

Ichigo grabbed her off his head and held her by the back of her shirt "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!"

Seraphim crossed her arms and stared at him "Well, obviously I can. And put me down before I'm forced to hurt you."

Ichigo sweatdropped "You're the size of a hamster. Even without my powers, I could still beat you."

Seraphim cracked her knuckles "If we weren't flying over the Pacific Ocean at speeds excess of 700 mph, I'd kill you. However, right now I'll stick with kicking your ass."

# 15 minutes later #

Ichigo gave a final groan before settling into unconsciousness.

Seraphim brushed off her pants. "Good, now I'll finally have some peace and quite"

And with that they flew on to America.

--

Well, that's it. Sorry about it being so short again. My plot bunnies are strangely absent, so I'm considering starting a search for them. If you happen to see one, please email them to me along with your Mastercard number and personal information at , and today I am officially starting my 'crack the code' contest. I will post the two parts of the cipher in this chapter and the next, and each chapter after that will include a new clue or hint to help you along. Now, because this is _obviously_ not a scam to get more reviews, I am offering a prize to the first person to tell me what the message is. This prize MAY be a scan of either some of my original art or fanart, unless you want something else which I can reasonably provide. So, here's the first part of the code: 6942474722473968727486368474682543


	3. Chapter 3: America

Well, here it is folks, a bit later but also a bit longer than anticipated. And just so you know, this chapter contains considerable swearing (Seraphim gets mad), and now that I look at it, not a whole lot else :( Oh well.

Thanks to all the people who reviewed my story, all three of you, especially Steph R. thanks for the encouragement! By the way, have you checked out the code yet? The second part is at the end of this chapter. I don't know if you'll get it this early, but I'll include a new hint in each chapter, so good luck!

Now, on with the story!

Ichigo woke up with absolutely no idea where he was or what was going on. Considering that this seemed to be a recurring state, he decided not to probe the mystery any further and instead looked for something to eat. What he soon discovered however, was that in the middle of a massive personal storage complex, there is very little in the way of food. Or people. Or landmarks to tell a person which direction to take in order to leave. In the absence of all these, Ichigo settled for training. Or, rather, he _would_ have settled for training, except for some reason he couldn't transform into a Shinigami. Suddenly all of the past day's events crystallized (AN: I like that word) in his mind.

"FUCK!! WHERE THE HELL IS THAT ANGEL-THING?!"

Immediately Seraphim materialized, floating in front of him "I'm right here, so stop shouting before I have to beat your ass again. And honestly, how many times will I have to explain it to you: I'm your **conscience**. Not an angel-thing."

Ichigo gave her a dubious look "Okay, whatever. Why are we here, where is here, and, more to the point, when do I get to go home?"

Seraphim's smile dripped sarcasm "Wow, good job! You got three whole questions into one sentence! Anyway Holmes, I'm not gonna have to deal with you much longer, so I'll tell you. We're in America, San Diego to be exact, picking up some equipment for your new job as the police captain for some city in Japan. I forgot which one, so when we get back you'll have to find it on your own. Now where did I put the key again?" And Seraphim went off, hovering down one of the identical seeming alleys.

Ichigo, meanwhile, was attempting to recover from the effects of a MUF. Namely, he was trying to remove his head from the ground. Unsuccessfully. Eventually Seraphim noticed he wasn't following her, came back, and with an irritated sigh, ripped his head clear.

"Why do you seem to fail at even the simplest of tasks? This time, FOLLOW me, don't mess around"

"B-But, what the hell was all that?! When did I become a police captain? And why would I need special equipment for something like that?"

Seraphim pretended to ignore him for a second

_Maybe if I keep walking he'll just shut up. Nah, he'll probably just get worse. Damnit, now I'm gonna have to explain the whole thing._

"Ugh, why do you have to know EVERYTHING? You're a police captain because the last one ran away along with his entire taskforce, and they really needed a replacement, so somehow my agency got involved, and then they interrupted my FUCKING VACATION to drag your ass over there. Any**more** questions?"

Ichigo quickly retreated from her murderous glare, then said in a small voice "Um, but what about the equipment?"

Seraphim considered the viability of breaking his arm, decided it was to much effort, and gave a defeated sigh "You need special equipment because that city has the most occurrences of weird shit happening in all of Japan. And because they also have the second largest gang presence in Japan. I'm pretty sure the last captain was the only one in the last 75 years to survive. Well, if you don't count the one that turned into a zombie."

Ichigo decided to take the better part of valor.

Seraphim let him go three steps before shouting out "I'm your conscience moron. I can follow you wherever you go. And if you make me put much more effort into this, you won't be able to run for a LONG time"

Ichigo skidded to a stop "Um, whoops. I, uh… thought the… um… place, was… over there. Heh heh. Heh. Please don't kill me!"

Seraphim gave a disgusted snort "Fine, whatever. Get over here and follow me."

# Several hours later #

Ichigo trudged along, sweating and exhausted "For the love of God, how big is this place?"

Seraphim cast an annoyed glance over her shoulder, then went back to counting off the storage units "It's about 11 miles long. And shut up. You've been whining for the past 3 hours."

"That's because we've been walking for the last **5** hours!"

Suddenly Seraphim stopped and peered at one of units "Aha! This is it!"

Ichigo gazed at the featureless concrete block, with a single garage style door "How can you tell? This one looks exactly like the last thousand ones."

Seraphim flew over to the lock and inserted her key "You know, you're remarkably bad at shutting up. It's okay though. I have duct tape in here. Now get over here and open the door"

Ichigo groaned, then moved to the door "Why do I have to do this?"

"Because menial labor is beneath me. Now hurry up."

With another groan, Ichigo heaved the door up, and was surprised to see two faces, one he recognized, and one he didn't "Toshiro? What the hell are you doing here?"

Recognizing the voice, Histugaya leapt up "Kurosaki-san! I want to ask you the same thing. I went to sleep doing some paperwork in my office, and I woke up here, which, judging by the conversations I've overheard, is somewhere in America."

Then Seraphim flew over and hovered between them "That's right you are in America, but only temporarily. Toshiro is going to be one of your lieutenants. And no interrupting, you guys can go gossip later. This other guy is going to be one of your sergeants. I have no idea who he is, but you can deal with that later. First I have to show you some stuff. Follow me. And try not to fall." With that she hit a concealed button on the wall, and suddenly part of the floor sunk into a stairway with a grinding screech, and Seraphim promptly descended into the depths.

The three men looked at each other, shrugged then started down the stairs. As they walked, the mystery man shook their hands "Nice to meet you. I'm Sabot. Sabot Eisenlegion."

MUF: Massive Uncontrolled Facefault

Okay! Finally, a reasonably long chapter. Of course, not much really happens, but still! Anyway, I don't know how much I'll be able to work on this for a while, I'm gonna be pretty busy for the next week. Hopefully I'll get something up, but no promises. Anyway, here's the second and final part of the code: 1321333412331332313121221343231331

Remember, please R&R!


	4. Chapter 4: Welcome to Procurement

Well, here it is, the next chapter. It's another shortish one, but I'm just glad to be able to get one up at all. This week is definitely looking hectic. This will probably be the second to last chapter to take place in America, and after that things should pick up, so please bear with me! Anyway, hope you enjoy it!

--

As the three hapless victims followed Seraphim down the never-ending staircase, Ichigo filled the other two in. However, when he explained his and Histugaya's loss of Soul Reaper status, Toshiro (AN: From now on I'm just gonna call him Toshiro, except in special circumstances) interrupted "That's impossible. The only way to stop being a Soul Reaper is to either leave or be forced into exile, and even then you wouldn't lose your powers!"

Ichigo just shrugged "If you wanna argue with her about it, be my guest. But she can seriously kick ass."

Undeterred, Toshiro sped up and came level with Seraphim "Excuse me, Miss… Seraphim, was it?"

Seraphim glanced at him but kept flying "Yes, amazingly enough, that is my name. What do you want?"

Toshiro looked annoyed, but continued in a respectful manner "Well, Kurosaki informs me that we have apparently been stripped of our Soul Reaper status and powers. How is this possible?"

"I don't really know and I don't really care. MY job is to help you losers out. Of course, this is cutting into my vacation time, so don't expect to see me around much after this."

Toshiro started to press the issue "Wh-" but was quickly dragged back by Ichigo "Listen Toshiro, you really, REALLY don't what to make her mad. Trust me. All I know is that I can't access my Shinigami powers, and it looks like you can't either. Am I wrong?"

Toshiro sighed, but fell into step with them "No, but this whole thing seems so ridiculous. And what about everyone back in Soul Society. How will the react when I'm missing? I'm a squad captain, I can't just disappear. I have vital duties to attend to."

Ichigo shrugged "I don't know, but I've been wondering the same thing"

Suddenly Seraphim's voice came from directly above them "Don't worry, they don't even know you're gone."

After recovering from his shock, Ichigo stared at her dubiously "I think their gonna notice after a couple of days."

Seraphim shook her head and started flying again "No, I mean they DON'T know. And they never WILL know until you come back. And THEN it will seem to them like you never left. Savvy? Now hold still for a moment."

Ichigo sighed, then stopped "What do you wa- MGHF! WHFTHUHFEL?!"

"There, much better. I told you I had duct tape. Do you two have anymore questions?"  
They both rapidly shook their heads, then with one look at Ichigo, started going MUCH fast down the stairs. Ichigo tried unsuccessfully to pry the duct tape from his mouth, then ran after them.

Seraphim smirked "That worked better than I thought it would." And set off after them.

Eventually the group reached the end of the line. Okay, it's actually just the end of the stairs, but end of the line sounds wayyy more dramatic. Ichigo and Toshiro both ran straight for the bottom, but Sabot, feeling significantly more relaxed, slid the rest of the way on the banister. Or he WOULD have, if there had been a banister. Instead he ended up falling 7 feet, turning it into a roll, and coming up right beside Ichigo, to general applause "Yah, I totally meant to do that."

_Yeah, whatever_ was the first thought that flashed through Seraphim's head, but she shook it off and flicked a switch. Suddenly the cavern burst into light, and all three men gasped in amazement. Well, Ichigo just kind of mumbled, because he still hadn't gotten the duct tape off. From wall to wall, there were shelves of nothing but weapons and gear of all sorts. One section was dedicated to melee weapons, and was filled with swords of all styles and sizes, countless knives, dozens of axes, maces, sickles, spears, and even a row of rubber chickens. Most of the rest held every kind of gun imaginable, along with ammo, explosives, and all the other things that let you have a good time. Ichigo and Toshiro stood awestruck, gazing at the weapons surrounding them, but Sabot wasted no time "Hey Seraphim, can we use these?"

Seraphim grinned "Of course. Welcome to procurement."

--

Well, that's it. I don't know if I'll be able to get anymore up this week, but I'll try. Until then you can work on the code. Here's the first hint: The numbers of one unlock the other. Anyway, please R&R!


	5. Chapter 5: Um, More Procurement?

Well, sorry I haven't updated in forever. I was on my summer "vacation": helping out at my uncle's ranch. I don't know if any of you have ever helped on a ranch, but it was not fun. I am a lazy person. Laziness and ranch work do not go together. And I have two words for you: "No Internet"

It was hell.

Anyway, I'm back with a new chapter! Enjoy!

--

"SWEET!!" With that one word, a one man tornado was unleashed upon hundreds of innocent weapons (Remember, guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people).

Ichigo and Toshiro exchanged skeptical glances. "Mgfh, Ufyhgw."

"Kurosaki, do you need help getting that duct tape off?"

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Okay, give me a second."

Toshiro unsuccessfully tried to pry the tape off Ichigo's mouth "Hm, this tape appears to be of unusually high strength. Wait here, I will need some tools." And Toshiro calmly walked over to the racks of weapons and slipped down an isle.

Seraphim floated over, and she and Ichigo watched Sabot drool over what appeared to be an over-sized lava lamp "Ya'know, if he keeps fondling that thing, it's going to explode." "Wfhu ih ht?" Seraphim yawned and scratched her head "It's a model… 53 or 57 LEDS designed by EmCo Arms." "UHDS?" "Yeah, it stands for Liquid Explosive Delivery System. Think giant water balloons with about as much power as 15 pounds of C4."

Ichigo shot Sabot a panicked look before backing up the stairs.

Seraphim sighed "Don't worry, we'll probably be fine. It looks like he's already figured out how to use it. Actually, he seems to be remarkably good with weapons. Interesting."

As Seraphim continued to stare vacantly at Sabot, who was now disassembling a small sniper rifle, Toshiro walked briskly out from the racks of weaponry with his hands behind his back "I'm sorry Kurosaki, but the only things I could find were normally used to kill things. This is the smallest one I could find." Then he pulled out the 20 inch curved combat knife

"Now hold still for a moment so I don't accidentally cut your face." "MGFG! LFGD FCSHKNG HGWL!!"

Despite Ichigo's muffled protestations, Toshiro managed to slip the knife under the tape and cut it free. Ichigo did not approve.

"HOLY F#CKING #!T!! MOTHER OF—(Content censored in regulation with the American "even though every aspect of our society celebrates depravity and blasphemy, we still have to censor anything that might offend the people who pay us obscene amounts of money to do nothing while world disintegrates around us" Law, Ordinance 12, Section 95, Chapter 22, Page 50)"

Toshiro blanched "I-I'm sorry Kurosaki, I didn't think it would hurt you if I didn't cut you."

Ichigo gave him an angry glare as he rubbed his sore skin "You've obviously never had duct tape pulled off of you before."

Toshiro bowed his head "I do apologize Kurosaki. However, perhaps we should move on to more pressing matters."

"Ah, you mean the crazed man who appears to be molding a castle out of plastic explosives."

"Yes, that was rather high on my list of concerns."

Ichigo shrugged "Actually, I'd rather stay as far away from that thing as possible. You go talk to him. I'll come over once you convince him to put away the explosives."

Suddenly the whole bunker blacked out, then was lit by pulsing red lights. At the same time, an ear-splitting siren split the air, making further conversation impossible.

Seraphim suddenly flew down with an _almost_ panicked look on her face "Actually boys, we have much bigger problems."

--

Okay, so this chapter didn't really develop the plot at all. So sue me. I'm still recovering from my "vacation" so I really didn't want to ruin any important events because I'm to tired to write well. On the other hand, I'm back! Yay me! Anyway, before I pass out, here's the next clue: It will take a Razor sharp mind to figure out this cipher.


	6. Preview: A Chosen War

Okay, before anyone gets all excited or anything, let me say 2 things: first, this is not an actual chapter, and second, this AN is really long. Just warning you. As the title says, this is a preview of my own original work: _A Chosen War_. This is just so you guys can see what other sorts of things I write. Anyway, this is the prologue as it appears on fictionpress, and you will also be able to find it, along with later chapters (whenever I put them up), at fictionpress (imagine that). If you're wondering why I'm putting this in here instead of an actual chapter, It's partially because I'm too lazy to write for both my fics (if you're only reading one, you really should check out my other, they set each other off nicely I think) right now, and this is easier to do, but mainly because in my opinion fanfiction has a wayyy better community, and I wanted to get some feedback from you guys. Assuming anyone actually reads this.

Also, for anyone who might be utterly confused by my style of dropping straight into the action, here's a _very_ short summary of important stuff to know:

Takes place in a fantasy world

Jorn is the main character

Stahlverts are basically robotic suits of armor (mechs, though not near as big as, say, a gundam)

Safirs are their currency (in some parts of the wold)

There, summary over. Read on!

--

Jorn grinned cheekily as half a dozen militia marched him out of the pub.

"So," he said, eyeing the captain in his worn but obviously functional armor "Do you guys bring out your Stahls' for every drunkard in this town? I'm surprised the people haven't revolted."

The captain snorted and motioned to the motley collection of officers who still hung near him, hands on their weapons, "In case you haven't noticed, we _are_ the people-"

This time it was Jorn's turn to snort.

"-And no" the captain continued testily, "we only make arrests in our Stahlverts for drunken, _dangerously armed criminals_. Seen any?"

Jorn smirked, "Nope, unless you count that wasted guy under the bar. His fashion sense _is_ criminal, and if his breath isn't a dangerous weapon, then I don't know what is."

One of the militia-men guarding him chuckled involuntarily.

The captain silenced him with a simple raised eyebrow, then turned back to Jorn.

"Really? Because we heard rumors of a wanted man hiding out in this building."

At this Jorn gave a theatrical sigh and shook his head "Is it my fault that every girl in town is romantically attracted to me? I mean, I don't mind the attention, but can you blame a guy for trying to lay low for a while?"

This time several of the men laughed, and most loosened their grips on their weapons, convinced he was just another drunkard. This time it took a full glare for the captain to restore order to his ranks.

"I will ask you one more time. Are you the man that Lord Syless has offered a bounty 500 Safirs for capture, dead or alive?"

"_Yes_"

Death was unleashed on an unsuspecting militia in a small town in southern Skattenlass.

Jorn twisted, his left boot connecting with a man's ribs, eliciting a sharp crack and a cry of surprise as the man hurtled backwards. By that time, Jorn had already moved, a straight punch that shattered a guard's nose, then a backhand blow to the elbow of a man in the midst of unsheathing his sword. The joint cracked then bent unnaturally, and the man released his sword as he writhed in pain, sending the short blade twirling through the air. As sunlight skittered across its edge, Jorn moved like a man possessed, flowing from one guard to the next, shattering bones with brutal punches and swift kicks.

The sword sank its tip into the soft ground just as his first victim, for they were truly just that, not real opponents, began to rise, his own blade in hand. Jorn swept the sword clear of the earth, and with the same movement, severed the man's jaw with a vicious backhanded swing.

The captain and his other two militia stood in their armored suits and stared blankly at the carnage.

Jorn dropped the sword, turned to the three men, and reached for the bundle on his back.

--

Ahahaha! That's right! It's a cliffhanger! If you want more, check it out at fictionpress under _A Chosen War_ or under my pen name: persona15 (dammit, I just realized that persona 15 without the space looks exactly like personal 5). Anyway, please read and review, and hopefully I'll have real chapters up for both my fics very soon.


End file.
